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April 24th, 2004

12:56 am Hey, I haven't had a computer in like a month, and the whole time all I was talking about was how I wanted to update my journal, like I actually had something some what important to write, and now I have it back and I can't think of anything. I love how when i sit in front of my computer, ready to write, I can barely string 2 words together, let alone a structured, sentence. Like I find a grasp for words challenging, like I'm illiterate or something. But then later when I'm in my room, on my bed, in a calm state, staring at my light blue walls just breathing in the familiar scent of my coconut lime lotion, clinging on to my carebears for dear life as if their my children that I need to protect, I wonder how I could not write. I feel really confused right now, and don't really know who to talk to, I need some time to read, i haven't read, like really read for me in awhile, and I miss it, I miss so many things about when i was younger, it's frightening. You always pity those people who live their lives in the past, in some memory, and I'm afraid that's what I am. I haven't really been myself lately, I remember writing about how much I wanted to change, and I think i have, but now I miss who I used to be. I miss my gentleness, my sensitivity. When I got home I finished Cather In The Rye, and i basically cried myself through the last 5 chapters, I don't know why, but I so badly wanted to rescue Holden, partly because I related to him and partly because I hated him. Today was just an emotional day for me, it's hard to explain. After school I watched Oprah (as usual . .) but this episode was probably more touching than any other, and not in an inspirational, encouraging way either. It had these mothers who had kids that were killed by their husbands, I'm not even going to try to think about what they must be feeling right now, because even if I could try to describe what I think that they must be feeling, it wouldn't do any justice. I'm guessing it's the kind of feeling that you don't know, you don't even know if it's existent, until you feel it, and even then it gets confusing. Anyway, they played the recording of the tape from when the mom called 911, and I was already crying, but the second I actually heard her voice, and saw her face I felt empathy stronger than I've ever felt an emotion before, my body froze, my mind froze, I couldn't even physically cry any more. I don't really know why I'm writing, this journals way too long, and I don't really like getting too personal in these things, but I'm so confused right now about so many things, my life is paced so slowly that I over analyze every moment, and I'm hopping between these restricted, tamed feelings. If anyone even understands a little of what the hell I'm trying to say, PLEASE come talk to me because i don't really understand . . Current Mood: tired

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April 3rd, 2004

07:18 pm Holla~ umm, donn't really have anything to write about. I went to Nathan's yesterday to get a belly button ring, with my dad, lol, and the HOTTTEST guy helped us, and was all like, "i really wanna pierce you," so he put the ring in for me (it's Pink!), and he was asking me all these questions and I told him I was fifteen so he was making fun of me for being so young, I love the workers at that place, i wannna do my tongue so badly!! Anyway, then I went to Shelby's and yeah . . hung out there with people *with Mitch* and two of my ex boyfriends, so I slept there and tonight I'm having "bonding time with my mom" were gonna like watch movies, great bonding I know, and yeah. K, it's the strangest thing, all of a sudden I feel like I can talk to my sister, like I can, and want to tell her everything, she's only thirteen, and I HATE her sometimes, but she's there for me, and I think we're gonna keep growing closer. Yayy! Lol. Current Mood: content Current Music: Letterkills

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April 1st, 2004

06:44 pm HEYYYYYYYY~~~ yoyoyo, i haven't written in a long time, I've been really busy latley, to i'm making myself write. Update of my life: Umm, saw Sugarcult and they didn't play but that's ok, because I TOUCHED and TALKED TO Marko and Airin, HA, they know be my name, I can pretend, God, I love my Sugarcult. Kiva came down and was hurre for a few days, becuase Erik, (her boyfriend) had some like job thing where he needed "space", whatever if it sounds believable to her that's fine, I love how she visits when she has to. I have a LESBIAN WEDDING to go to, my cousin, I'm really excited, it's going to be my first gay wedding and its in San Diego, the happiest city ever, it reminds me of Rach's grandparents, ~~Holla at her Mima? Meema? and Papa~~ then . . I went shopping, horray, wow, i don't really remember, OH YEAH, went to the beach w/ Rach and Sean and his hot friends, went to Lamppost and Danielles, ok, this is getting boring. Guess What? I met a "him" replacement, "him" meaning the guy I've been talking about for the last two weeks. Gotta love how I fall in love with these guys who i never talk to, because if I do, the mysterys gone and it's just not worth it, like I need a challenge, maybe I'll be a secret agent or something when I'm older because I'm pretty good at this whole "Secret" deal. 4 days until spring break. My FAVORIYTE DEGRASSI EPISODE EVER is on, haha, so I'm gonna go. Current Mood: excited

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March 19th, 2004

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March 11th, 2004

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March 9th, 2004

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March 8th, 2004

09:05 pm Challa Hey, on Saturday I went to the mall with Rach Kim and Danielle. Me and Rach found perfect matching outfits and Danielles was told that she has, "perfect eyes" from these freaks in Mcdonalds, it was fun . .until I got back to Rachels. I called my mom and she was like "I'm in the emergency room." Apparently, my THIRTEEN (like the movie) year old sister decided to drink with her friend and she puked and passed out, so she called an ambulance. It was so scary, it's the worst feeling - having your younger sister in a hospital, wondering if she is ok. I've had enough worry with kiva, i DON'T need this again. Every person I ever have a relationship with fucks it up in some way, it isn't fair. I feel really bad that Rach has to deal with all my crap too. There is so much drama EVERYWHERE, i don't know how to get away from it. I had a Sunny Skies interview today, i love that place. Something about being around little kids makes the world so welcoming and so approachable; like being around youth makes me forget all resentment i've ever had, no wonder I was so happy during summer. Current Mood: calm Current Music: rarrr

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March 5th, 2004

04:42 pm - Hey hey, i already "updated" today but i'm bored. I got Bob Marley for Hi Fi, so that's good, a lot of people wanted him, haha. I think were gonna go to Danielle's tonight and watch 13, hells yeah, good movie. K, i got home from school and full on cleaned: vacumed, windexed, yeah the works it was strange, so I'm watching Willy Wonka know, i flipping love that movie, it's great. Anyway, I'm gonna go now. Current Mood: content Current Music: Wlli Wonka . . Your Imagine song

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March 4th, 2004

06:39 pm Hey k, sorry i haven't updated in forever, i've been so busy with dance and homework (poetry)and driving school . .(shot out to the DARN group, haha, don't ask). Anyway not much has been going on in my life. Tay ~ Jaime ~ Nicole ~Kim ~Danielle ~ we are the ultimate ravers (Laura and Rach weren't there but they're ultimate ravers too), don't rave unless you can, and we definitly can! I loved talking to you guys Saturday. It felt good telling you stuff I never told anyone before and don't want to write in here. At school we all made names, hahaha, I'm the "innocent" one. I wish I had more to write about, in science we watched (..actually i think i'm the only one who watched the whole thing) a baby being born, fun stuff. K, i need to do my flipping poetry, I just wanted to write really quick. Bye! Current Mood: happy

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February 17th, 2004

08:30 pm - yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo . . .hehe Hey, i SHOUld be doing my homework right now . .but i always end up reading journals instead . .yeah . .i guess this weeks been good . . i made brownies for school today that like melted into one big, cake type thing ( . .that Laura took for the road) thought i'd share, see, told you, i'm really bored. K, does anyone actually read this thats not on my friends list? Because that be really cool, because you know me, but i dont know you or know that . .you know me, I'm talking to Kiva . .she's making fun of me for calling Panda Express . . Panda, wtf do u call it? oh yeah, back to someone reading my journal that i don't know about, how cool if there's some one like sitting in Iowa that checks my journal everyday because for some reason they're really attracted to my life or writing . .or just bored, and then what if we meet, but we'd never know, i bet some one is, at least let me pretend. Anywhoo, i really don't have anything to say so I guess I'll tell you about my day. AHHem (god bless me . .ok i'm in a weird mood): i woke up, and got dressed and brushed my teeth, and got ready and made brownies ( . .you know the usual, right), then I went to school, history . .and failed a test, then went to math . .and did really good on a test (bet you're proud), then i had science . .fun stuff, love those labs, then i came home and went to dance . . and now i'm here. K,what a waste of time . .bye . . . Current Mood: sore Current Music: Godsmack

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February 8th, 2004

06:33 pm I was thinking about the human brain, a blessing and a curse in its entirety. Math and facts, the world touched and felt through equations. How it can slaughter reality in its purest form. I think i've written this before but I want, so badly, to feel, to really, truely feel. But how can we do that when we have a brain full of society influenced, logical, thoughts provoking us? Have you ever read something with only your heart, nothingelse, something so powerful that you read it with real emotion and feeling, of course you haven't because we know how to read due to knoweldedge, once again, our brain is a limiting factor. How, then, do we really read or really write? Emotion does not provoke koweledge, knoweledge provokes emotion, or does it? Love and hatred are feelings so strong we can't make them near tangible, and when we think we have, we are farther away than ever. Maybe if we eliminated knoweldege, everything we've ever learned, the world could feel again. But, all of our questions would still be left unanswered. We would be so hungry, so unsatisfied, . . all we could feel is a burning sensation twinged with resentment to learn it all again. Yet, we can learn and learn and learn and no one will ever know anything and that is what makes life so beautiful, in a demure, mysterious way. Have you ever read something so beautiful, so truthful, so thought provoking that all you could do is cry? And then your eyes are so blury from the tears, that it is not possible to see, but you felt so touched that you know a part of you is reading on, a distant part of you is so absorbed in the paper that you don't have to see to get the effect because instead you can feel and ThAT is when you knoweledge does not matter, because YOU'VE broken the boundary, you've crossed the two different worlds of knoweledge and emotion, you've found a way to blend it. Can you feel my writing? Can you feel at all? I began writing this to prove a point, to explain some level of some aspect of life, but now i've forgotten my motives, all i know is that my hand won't stop typing, until i've grasped whatever it was I was trying to say. What if everything I will ever write has been written before? What if everything I will ever feel has been felt before? What if someone has already thought of everything i will ever think, experienced everything i will ever experience. You know what is so utterly special about this and equally magical, it is my writing, it shows a hidden element of my character. So many things are happening around us, as people, and no one is noticing. No one cares that there are external, never ending parallels of universes and life and different thought levels so close to us, they feel us breathing, they cannot touch us, but we can so easily touch them if we had the effort or yearning. We are all too ignorant to know reality, but the truth is that it is not ignorance. It is emotion, back to this battle. You really want to understand life, don't let your emotion get in the way. You really want to master emotion, don't let knoweledge get in the way. Have you ever paid attention to a whisper, really paid attention, what about a sneeze? A cough? An object? A dream? Take the simpilist thing, anytyhing, a blink of an eye . . sure . .what does that mean, you don't know do you? Is that God's way of blinding us from something, making sure we don't see too much, protecting us from life, or do we bling to be sheltered from reality, to think so much that we all become as foolishly analytical as me. or maybe our bodies were just programmed that way. I have never understood how people can have a passion for history, how anyone could find it useful or productive to live in the past. But how do you explain Now if you cannot explain THEN. So i began writing horribly confused about emotion vs. knoweledge, how two evils can work so beautifully togther. I've realized that this is what is so unique about being a human, we can have both. I can master emotion, so can you. I can master knoweledge, so can you. We don't have to pick, we get both. SO what is knoweledege? Emotion? I know, but I am not telling you, figure it out on your own, because I know that you will agree with whatever i type, because that is what writing does to people. Writing is manipulative, condescending, and persuasive . . . so I really should stop now. Current Mood: sick

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February 5th, 2004

03:24 pm - ~Challa~ K, i can't comment on anyones journal and it's making me really sad, i forgot my password so I can't go on aim either. So don't think I'm mean and ignoring your comments, I WANT to comment, I just can't. My last entry was really sad, lol, I'm not like a depressed person. Today was . .normal, haha. Me and Danielle left P.E. and like walked around, were so sneaky, its great. Oh and I'm out of spanish, hells yeah, I love 2-4-6 days now. Instead of spanish I have computer application, I sit next to this senior that I don't know, but I'm constantly asking him questions (if you can't tell I'm not to computer skilled) and he's like "uhh . .ok." Yeah, fun. I love Thursdays, I don't have dance so I can just stay home and watch Oprah, and do my homework and go to sleep . . sad, that I'm excited about that. Kinberg today was kinda sad we talked about how like "becoming an adult" is just more responsibility and less freedom. He basically told us that growing up sucks and we are not going to be happy, flipping, who tells their class that, but it's okay, if we go around believing everything our english teachers tell us, we'd all be pretty fucked up. Current Mood: mellow Current Music: Allister - None of My Friends are Punks

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February 2nd, 2004

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January 29th, 2004

06:14 pm - Truth or Dare I'm in a really weird mood right now. I'm so glad i started a new journal. Wow, it's like a fresh start, a clean slate, I can write about anything and you won't know, you won't know my lies because you don't know my truths, I don't even know them. You won't know how weak I am, because I can pretend to be strong, I can change . .and you'd never know. But, maybe I don't want to change, the constant in my life is fake. I'm fake, my clothes are fake, my face is fake, this journal is fake. But, it's so fake, it's becoming real. Slowly falsehood became so vibrant I had to change its title. The reality in my life is only present when I'm asleep. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about, you know perfectly. I'm watching everything I ever wanted crumble in front of me, and i'm not doing anything about it, I'm tired of living through someone else. I'm starting to become frighteningly aware of my surroundings, and for the first time ever, I feel awake. I never realized how much of a deep, delicate sleep I was in, when your like that there's no materials, no alarm clocks, I had to wake myself up. From living a life centered around reliance, I've finally found a new form of independence. I can see the whole world, the meaning of life, in front of me, I understand it, I know it . .yet, I'm in this body complaining about how I want a "change". But, that's what I am doing, I am creating a new journal, a new life, and not turning the pages back. What counts is what I write starting NOW. The beginning. I hate how so little people I know are real. Everyone is so lost in their own minds, their own space, relating only to what they know, don't worry, I'm like that too. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. How life is different for all of us. How we experience emotion differently, how 2 people can be touched in identical ways , yet sense a feeling so different, like the action was not the same. Is my writing angry? Resentful? I don't want to write anger because it is attractive or luring or easy. I want to write truth. I want to find clarity in the questions I ask. Rationalize my imagination, I bet you can. I want every single word I write, alone, to be meaningful and equally powerful, by itself, so we don't have to look back at the word before, but if we wanted to, the sentence would make sense, and that's comfort enough to keep on reading. Isn't there a law of physics: "For every action there is an equal yet opposite reaction" : My phone rang in Mr. Kinberg's class, but, he told me I have the best grade. I have to go early to dance, but my body is healthier than ever. Kiva moved to Vegas, but now there is no more room for loss or pain in our relationship. What if this whole world is weighted out, it's equilibrium, you can't mess the scale up - you can't even try. Suddenly, when everything makes sense, there's nothing left to write about, and you just have to go experience it. Current Mood: awake Current Music: ~*No Music*~

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January 27th, 2004

08:16 pm - ~*mY dAy..*~ ~*Hey, Before hip hop today, i did Katy's makeup, it looked sooo good, i wanna be a makeup artist, good practice. I love that class, were like a family, its sad. Oh, in jazz we had this thing where like we fell on our knees, and now mines all bruised, haha, fuck jazz, just kidding, i love it. Enough about dance. I decided i HATE all guys, thanks to one, you know who you are. Yeah i'm so angry right now. Like i know i'm only 15, but what if i never find a husband? Seriously, like i'm on a search now. Too bad all guys are dicks, at least the ones i like. It sucks how all the "nice" guys are boring, k, i'm driving myself crazy. This years turning into last year, STOP, ok. Someone calm me down. School was bad today. I didnt get anything in Cloud, and then he kicked me out of his class, haha, he was like "I need to have a private discussion" with these two guys, so I left. This probably sounds stupid, because it is, but i just took a shower and used this really good soap, so my days like good again! K, i'm gonna go ~*AsH*~ Current Mood: bored Current Music: sugarcult

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January 25th, 2004

01:07 pm - ~* I feel like writing*~ Hey . . i feel like writing (check subject if you don't believe me) Last night was fun . .except for me and Rach fighting over the front seat, but we don't have to talk about that. My dad drove me, Rach, Jaime and Kim. And we met Laura, Nicole, Taylor and Maire there. oHH! I got to go up on stage and scream with this band, they kinda sucked, but it was cool anyway, yeah! We met this really hot guy who gave us free cd's, from DNA i think, i lost mine (typical, i know). All the guys in Best Interest are tiny, it's adorable. I really want to go shopping, so i think I'm gonna make my mom take me. I don't really have anything to write about, so i'm gonna go~*~ Current Mood: blah Current Music: Blind Melon

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January 24th, 2004

12:12 pm - ~*"My World In a Dream"*~ ~* Hey, i'm excited to write . . last night was fun. It was a half day (finals) so me Nicole and Rach went to the deli (where we decided we will never go again . .yeah right) and then we went to my house and watched the old Oak Hills video, hells yeah. We met Taylor and Laura at blockbuster, and went back to my house. Rach kinda forced us to watch the Pianist which was really depressing. Not to sound like sappy or anything but movies like that actually make me proud to be Jewish, i mean, not all people have the ability to deal with . .death like that..actually, i take that back, ALL people have to deal with the concept of death, like it comes with life, it's part of the package. Oh yeah: new rule, we have to talk ghetto when we eat challa (Holla) . .don't ask. We're gonna go see Best Interest tonight, I haven't really heard a lot of their music, but I'm excited to just be in Hollywood (I'm such a Sunset Blvd. child, it's scary). "~*You are the only person who is in full possession of all the facts and all the memories, who has lived through all the events and experienced all the sights and sounds and emotions that contribute to the stories in your dreams. you are the only person who talks your own language, thinks your own thoughts, feels your own passions. Through living your life, you have made up your own shorthand to describe what you see, and your own personal code to understand your world. How, then, can anyone enter your mind and tell you who you are?*~" Current Mood: tired Current Music: Aphrodite

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January 23rd, 2004

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